


I love you, you know that?

by KingAggressive



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: #just a bit at least, #maybe out of character, IMPLICATIONS OF SELF HARM, M/M, Oikawa has a panic attack, Panic Attacks, a bit of blood, iwaoi - Freeform, mentions of self harm, more like, well not mention really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-08
Updated: 2021-03-08
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:54:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,038
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29926149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KingAggressive/pseuds/KingAggressive
Summary: In a slight worry, Iwaizumi pushed himself off the bed onto his lower arms. As he tried to keep his head – and the rest of him – from falling right back into the softness of his pillow. He muttered out Oikawa’s name, with clearly no answer coming his way. Iwaizumi forced himself to sit up and, at the very least, try to gather the situation the best he could.'He’s usually never up before me, and especially not at this hour'He couldn’t find any kind of good reason why Oikawa even would. Maybe he had become hungry? Maybe thirsty? He had nothing to go out from, so he went with that.
Relationships: Iwaizumi Hajime & Oikawa Tooru, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Kudos: 26





	I love you, you know that?

The sudden feeling of heaviness and the warmth from the blankets hit Iwaizumi hard, as his body began to awake. As his eyes adjusted to the darkness of his room, he folded onto his stomach and reached an arm out towards the windowsill. He briefly swept by the curtains, as his hand finally found his phone, flipping it – still attached to its charger – just enough for it to face him, turning on as he rested his head back against his pillow, obviously not even close to being awake, or even looking remotely like he wanted to.

02:21 AM

 _Geez_ he mumbled lowly under his breath as his phone fell back with a, surprisingly, non-worrying sound. Was there anything planned for tomorrow – which had now become today? He couldn’t remember.  
Deciding not to worry about it, he turned his body with a groan onto his side once again - this time with a small goal in mind. He reached an arm out, in a desperate request for some soft and calming cuddles from his one and only boyfriend.  
As his whole arm landed on the empty part of the mattress beside him it became apparent to him that his lovely, annoyingly taller, partner was nowhere to be found.

In a slight worry, Iwaizumi pushed himself off the bed onto his lower arms. As he tried to keep his head – and the rest of him – from falling right back into the softness of his pillow. He muttered out Oikawa’s name, with clearly no answer coming his way. Iwaizumi forced himself to sit up and, at the very least, try to gather the situation the best he could.  
_He’s usually never up before me, and especially not at this hour_  
He couldn’t find any kind of good reason why Oikawa even would. Maybe he had become hungry? Maybe thirsty? He had nothing to go out from, so he went with that.  
He picked his still lightly sleeping limbs from the bed and made his way out the door towards the hall, leaving behind a yawn every so often. As usual, no light was turned on – he didn’t even bother to change that, anyways.  
Strangely, the hall was lit - a slight glow from a lamp, of some kind, was illuminating the part closest to the living room up, seemingly coming from the bathroom, which had its door sprung open almost completely. Still in a quite sleepy mood – just wanting to get his precious teddy with him back to bed – it didn’t faze him as much as it probably should. 

A low sound – sounding like a sob – caught his attention immediately as he first heard it.  
_Sobs?_ Considering how only him and Oikawa were in the house – Iwaizumi’s parents and younger sister were out of town for the weekend with his aunt and uncle – the sound came as a surprise. Iwaizumi stopped dead in his track, putting the scratching he had begun to do on the back of his neck to a halt. 

Not even a moment later, the same sound could be heard once again.  
“That’s definitely sobbing” his voice was low. He could barely hear it himself. He rested his arm along his side once again and turned his head so his ear would face forwards – trying his hardest to locate, or at least get an idea, of where the sound could be coming from.

As the sound continued – some louder, some quieter, than others – Iwaizumi came to realize, the sound was coming from the bathroom. 

“But why sobbing?”  
making sure his steps were quiet, he approached the bathroom door. Placing himself as close as he possible could to it – without touching it – he leaned forward, almost like he was making sure one last time, that it was in fact sobbing he was hearing. Louder than ever, a hiccup and a quiet sniff followed, giving him all the confirmation he needed.

Placing his hand against the wooden door, three small, quiet, and gentle knocks, were placed against it.  
“Oikawa?” muttering the name under his breath made the worry in his stomach grow to an extraordinary extent.  
Not being given an answer back – but being forced to listen to sniff, after gasp, after sob, after gasp, over and over again, was everything needed for him to feel it was righteous of him to take action. 

Pushing the door with a gentle touch – Iwaizumi was met with a sight. A sight he wished he hadn’t been on the receiving end of. But also, being glad that out of every person in this wide world, he was.  
Iwaizumi’s eyes began to wonder around the seemingly everyday bathroom they’ve been used to. Everything was in their respective places. The walls were the same with the same colors. The sink mirror still being slightly crocked – leaning towards the door. Everything was the same as always. 

Except.

As his eyes made his way around the area, he felt fixed on the sink – and the space surrounding it. Not only was there a pair of scissors just, laying in the middle of it, but little red – _fresh_ – droplets of a watery mass had colored its previously silver blades a matted crimson.  
The same splashes of color could be found on the mirror, on the sink itself, and even on the ground below and surrounding it. A dotted line covered the floor towards the bathtub. 

Forcing his eyes off the shocking, and slightly gruesome scene, and following the line of blood, he felt his gaze once more fixate. This time, though, he could just feel how his outwardly tough and difficult-to-touch heart completely melted away - feeling it shatter into thousands of little pieces, unnoticeable to the naked eye. His legs grew weak, slightly, _why?_ He almost stumbled to the hard bathroom floor, holding a hard grip on the doorframe in order not to, as the situation finally dawned on him.

Sitting on the bathroom floor in a corner up against the bathtub, obviously trying to hide himself away, curled into a ball with his knees and arms tightly tucked into his chest, his face buried in the meeting point of his knees – sat Oikawa – Iwaizumi’s one and only, Oikawa Tōru. 

_What? Why? Oikawa?_ Grounding himself again was one of the hardest things he had ever had to do in his entire life.  
Taking a moment to swallow the spit he had been keeping in his mouth and keeping his hand on the doorframe for stability, Iwaizumi, in his quietest, most gentle voice he could muster at the moment:

“Oikawa?”

He noticed as the figure flinched but did not move.  
He took a step forward.

“Oikawa?” he held a pause longer than he probably should “what… what happened? What’s going on?”  
Iwaizumi’s voice broke slightly as he tried to gather a reasoning behind, well, this. 

As his own breath was returning, him having not even noticed it being gone, he took another step. 

“I don´t – I”  
A voice, so weak, managed its way through Oikawa’s throat and without any more words being spoken the sobs and tears he had so desperately tried to hold back – to not worry the other more than he already had – felt far too exhausting. 

“Hey”  
Iwaizumi loosened his hold, walked over to Oikawa, and crouched down right in front of him. Even if he tried to look away, there was no way he could – Iwaizumi was in the way. And Iwaizumi knew this, it was on purpose. 

“Hey, Oikawa”  
His formerly low volume was now louder, but not much.

“Can you hear me?”  
A small nod followed from the boy. It was weak, and obviously forced, but at least he could move. 

“What happened?”  
No reply.

“Why is there blood everywhere? Oikawa?”  
No reply.

What was he supposed to do? What could he do? Was he even meant to have approached him in the first place? He had answered a question he presented before, so, maybe?

Iwaizumi sighed.

“Can I touch you?”  
Iwaizumi lifted his arms, hovering them at the sides of the crying boy paralyzed against the bathtub. It was welcoming.  
He earned an even weaker nod from the boy. Not waiting even, a second longer to even take it in. 

Wrapping his arms around the, somewhat smaller, teen, welcoming him into a warm, heartfelt hug, and pulling them both back as the two of them got comfortable. It was not only what Oikawa needed; it was also what Iwaizumi did. He needed it too. 

Oikawa’s head rested on his shoulder, allowing Iwaizumi to follow his every breath as it touched his lower neck. It came out in short bursts, almost like gasps, at a time. It worried him. 

“Oikawa breathe for me, please”  
As the teen tried taking in a larger breath, it threw him into a short coughing fit, followed by soft whimpers and sobs.  
Iwaizumi placed his hand on Oikawa’s cheek, caressing it till it all stopped. It was a gentle touch.

“Can you hear mine? You can hear it right? Try to follow me, in… out, in… out, you’re doing great”

As Oikawa’s breathing was returning, or at least not as worryingly short and sudden as before, Iwaizumi tightened the hug – noticing how the other was returning the squeeze around his waist. Iwaizumi lowered his hand down to the other boy’s back, rubbing short circles.  
He let out a sigh.

“What happened?”  
Oikawa let out a shaking whimper as he buried his head further under Iwaizumi’s chin; _did he not want to answer?_

“Oikawa you have to tell me”  
Though its tone was low and soothing, it was demanding. Oikawa knew this. 

“I-“  
he swallowed, Iwaizumi waited.

“I’m sorry”  
He squeezed the fabric of Iwaizumi’s shirt tighter than before. Iwaizumi noticed. 

“What did you do?”  
Moving his hand from Oikawa’s back to his cheek, brushing his thumb over his defined cheekbones – drying off the stray tears having found refuge on them. 

Their eyes met. Oikawa though Iwaizumi was mad - that he was in trouble, he had worried him and was unable to answer his questions, so why wouldn’t he? – but his eyes were soft. No sign of any kind of anger, or even annoyance. If anything, his eyes showed the worry he refused to voice.  
His own eyes felt tired - dry, despite obvious tears still flowing out of them.  
They were red, his cheeks puffy, and his nose running like no tomorrow.  
Finally noticing the sudden caressing of his cheeks, brushing off all fear and worry that had been floating all around his body. He leaned into the gentle touch. 

-

If there was anyone Oikawa wanted beside him, it was Iwaizumi Hajime. HIS Iwaizumi Hajime. The thought of not being able to call him about the different gossip the two both heard during lunch, or just throughout the day, from other classmates and talking together for hours before one of them would fall asleep and the other took screenshots.  
The thought of not being able to randomly show up at his house and offer company or help with tasks or chores while they spoke and joked around.  
The thought of not being able to casually lay himself on his partner as the latter was reading or studying on the couch or bed, them not even battering an eye and just making sure they were both comfortable before continuing.  
The thought of not being able to fluster the other with sudden kisses on his cheek or neck, leading the other to either just accepting them and leave them there, or making it a competition. It was always a competition. And they didn’t mind.  
The thought of not being able to feel, the normally rough viewed hands resting softly on him – be it on his cheek, back, or in his own – practically not making themselves even known because of their gentle nature.  
The thought of not being able to hear the far too familiar voice call out his name - be it in playful anger or annoyance, or in the comfort of their company.

The thought of not being by Iwaizumi Hajime’s side. 

His thoughts had gone out of his control. He knew this. But he couldn’t stop it. He wanted them to, he so desperately wanted them to. They were lies. All of them. He knew this.  
Yet…  
Maybe, they were right?  
Oikawa knew he has an enormous ego, at least outwardly. He loves to run his mouth for hours and hours about himself, and any normal person would just see him as that, a narcissist who only knew of himself, and himself only.  
He knew he could be pushy. He could be clingy. He could be extraordinarily annoying. Especially to those he considered ‘friends’, or at least more than strangers. 

He hadn’t even noticed how his breath had sped up, making it hard for him to catch even a single breath, and the overwhelming feeling of his watery eyes now nearing overflowing. He placed a hand over his mouth; his boyfriend – _his everything_ – was sleeping soundly not far down the hall in his room. He wouldn’t want to wake him with something as unimportant as… _him_.  
Oikawa had been staying over more and more consistently over the past few months, usually ending up in staying and sleeping there for a whole week at a time. Iwaizumi never complained about it. In the beginning, he had asked why – why Oikawa didn’t want to be at his own place, but accepted Oikawa’s half-assed reply of ‘I just enjoy being with you more’. Iwaizumi’s parents were out of the house a lot anyways, usually taking his younger sister with them, which left Iwaizumi alone with the house, anyways. 

_He only feels pity for you._

Oikawa hadn’t even grasped the situation before he found his knees gave in without a warning underneath him – forcing him onto the cold, stone floor. He hit the floor, hard – if it hadn’t been for the hand placed over his mouth, he was certain he would have let out some kind of sound. 

He knew he was dragging his team down, not being a good enough player, a good enough captain, a good enough person-

-

“I, don’t… I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry- “

“When will you realize, I don’t care that you are!”  
His voice was harsh – back to its usual tone whenever they played. But it had been so gentle – so, so gentle and soft for Oikawa. The sudden tone change came as a shock, and Oikawa stayed quiet.  
_And now you angered him, good job, of course you would._

“OK, that sounded rude. Look, what I’m trying to say is, it’s not your fault – whatever it is. Even if it is, you shouldn’t apologize like your whole life depends on it”

“I just- I’m sorry Hajime, I’m so sorry. I know you’ve told me a thousand times before - not to blame myself for everything that doesn’t go my way - but that’s easier said than done! I’m sorry, everything just became so overwhelming, I’ve got assignments and projects and if I focus my time on those then I have no time to practice and then I’ll get behind you guys, and then you’ll all get ahead of me, and then you’ll all leave me behind and then I won’t be able to stay by your side, and-“

Feeling the warmth – the safety - which had come with Iwaizumi’s hand resting on Oikawa’s now damp cheek, move to his lower chin, pushing his head back into his shoulder and prompting it backwards slightly.  
Iwaizumi lowered his lips to his, and though Oikawa was certain they dried out from the continues gasping breathes and heavy breathing, Iwaizumi didn’t move away.  
It was short, yet not too short in Oikawa’s mind. It was enough. 

It was Iwaizumi who pulled back.

“I’m not just going to sit and listen to you talk badly about yourself, do you hear me?”

His throat was dry, the only thing Oikawa could do to respond was to nod. He really didn’t want another coughing fit, not at a moment like this.

Iwaizumi took a deep breath.

“You still haven’t answered my question, what did you do?”  
Before the question had fully settled in his mind, Iwaizumi noticed how Oikawa’s arms began to, subtly, move to his lower sides, resting on his waist. He let go of his chin and watched as Oikawa lowered his gaze, refusing to meet his.

“You know what, forget I asked”  
He swallowed

“Are you hungry? Thirsty? - Do you want a glass of water?”

“I would like that”

“Alright then”

Iwaizumi placed both his hands on the other boy’s shoulders and gave a slight push – away from his body. Oikawa complied and placed himself, on his knees, on the bathroom floor. It wasn’t cold, like it had been before. But Oikawa felt a shiver go through his whole body as Iwaizumi stood up, leaving him seated – leaving him by himself.  
Iwaizumi tucked at his pants for a moment – pulling them back up – before walking to the sink. 

They had three child-sized cups sitting on the right side of the sink, something Iwaizumi had been a fan of his mother doing, ever since he was little – and whenever he had awoken in the middle of the night in desperate need for some of that sweet, delicious, cold, midnight water.  
He filled a blue-tinted cup up – the one he always took - ignoring the scissors with its red blades and the accompanying red stains all over not only the sink’s edge, but also on the mirror and floor surrounding, as the water touched and washed it down the drain.  
He handed the cup over to Oikawa, still seated on the floor. Iwaizumi took notice of the slight shaking the boy’s hands gave off as he took it with both hands – brushing over his fingers. 

Iwaizumi stood back a moment, collecting his thoughts, as he watched the other take a few small sips, to then full on chucking the rest down – holding the cup up to him, like a request for a refill. Iwaizumi rolled his eyes but complied and filled the cup back up once more, and handed it over, once more.  
As Oikawa began drinking, Iwaizumi took down the towel near the shower, wet it down slightly under the faucet, and began to wipe down the different bloodspots and stains around the sink. 

Oikawa noticed this but stayed quiet. He didn’t want to talk or add any tension – though he wasn’t even sure there was any. He wanted to add a fun comment or compliment the other – to lighten the mood – but couldn’t think of anything that wouldn’t start a longer conversation or debate. 

Oikawa wasn’t sure how long it took, but it wasn’t long. He was entranced by his partner’s movements, his flow, and the fact he still had to focus on his breathing – which had calmed down significantly – and on drinking till he couldn’t muster anymore down. His stomach would thank him later.  
As Iwaizumi washed the towel clean after having wiped up everything he could, Oikawa decided to, _finally_ , move. Holding on to the bathtub for stability, Oikawa began to push himself off the tile floor.  
He let out a grunt, his body was still weak and trying to gain its balance and stability back, which made it that much harder for him to even do such a simple task as standing up. Iwaizumi noticed.

“Hold on”  
He twisted parts of the towel a few times before placing it back in it place. 

Iwaizumi reached a hand out towards the other male, holding his other out further behind, if the boy should fall.  
Oikawa stared for a moment, though he didn’t mean to. His eyes were blurry, but not much worse than what they normally were. His head was spinning, not helping anything. He knew he would stumble – most likely fall – if he didn’t have anything to hold on to.  
He reached his own free hand out and took Iwaizumi’s. Clutching on to it tightly as Iwaizumi led him out of the bathroom, having wrapped his other arm around Oikawa’s back, holding him close to his side – turning off the lights – and then further down the hall into his room. 

-

Oikawa placed himself on the bed, sitting on the edge with both feet folded under him.  
Iwaizumi didn’t let go – and neither did Oikawa, really – till he was 110% certain Oikawa would be fine without his help. 

Oikawa crawled to his side of the bed – against the wall – and tucked the covers over him, up to his chin.

“Hey, don’t steal them all”  
Iwaizumi chuckled at his partner’s action. 

He began to situate himself as well, lightly tucking at the covers Oikawa held tightly against him.

“Let me have some too”

“If you cuddle me, you might”

“Alright, alright”

Oikawa let go, allowing Iwaizumi to slide down under. 

Oikawa had folded his legs up to his stomach and his arms were held beneath them; closer to him. This didn’t stop Iwaizumi from wrapping his outer arm around him, pushing the two males even closer, as his other hand began to trace over the different features of the other’s face.  
He brushed his finger over his cheeks, finalizing that they had returned to their normal, almost linear, but soft, and pretty shape. They brushed over his nose, following its curvature from the bridge down to its tip, adding a little poke on the tip as well.  
This made Oikawa let out a faint giggle, and Iwaizumi could feel the corners of his lips lifting up into a smile.  
Iwaizumi stopped. He cupped Oikawa’s cheek in his hand, allowing him to lean into the touch and press a slight kiss to Iwaizumi’s palm. 

His body was warm. Warm, and so, so soothing. It always had been, ever since they were younger. It wasn’t often, but the few times Oikawa convinced him into a hug, or the latter felt pity for the other, it was the one thing consistent from each hug to the other: The comforting warmth.  
Though it was becoming much more common, each hug still felt new; it kept renewing that feeling of warmth, calmness and softness, and despite Oikawa being somewhat used to it, it always caught him off guard.  
He didn’t mind it, though. Never has. Never will.  
Oikawa had a feeling it was only him who got to experience this. 

Iwaizumi wasn’t a hugger, but that didn’t stop people from bringing him into their embraces, voluntarily or not. But not many commented anything special about them; not like Oikawa did. Maybe they didn’t notice? Maybe they did, yet they didn’t say anything? No one really knows.  
Oikawa liked the thought of it only, and specifically only, being him who got to feel it. He loved it.

Oikawa could feel himself losing consciousness by the seconds going by, completely falling into the other’s embrace and _finally_ feeling completely safe and relaxed, once more.  
His head landed near Iwaizumi’s shoulder, and he let it; only pulling him as close as their bodies could. 

A couple thoughts were still on Iwaizumi’s mind; many he didn’t know if he was either, ever going to get the answer to, or didn’t want the answer to.  
He moved a hand up to play with the hair of the still disturbed, yet soundlessly sleeping boy in his arms. He curled and straightened his fingers through his hair, getting some kind of relaxation out of it. 

No matter what, the only plan he had for himself, or more both of them, was making sure the other got as much sleep as he possibly could.  
He still couldn’t remember what day tomorrow, or more today, was, or if they had anything planned at all, but had already decided, no matter what, they would get cancelled. Today was for them, and them only. 

_Fuck the plans._

Iwaizumi felt his head get heavy, finally back under the blanket and taking in all its warmth, just like he had when he first woke up.  
It didn’t take too long, before Iwaizumi would drift off as well, his fingers still tangled in his boyfriend’s hair, muttering all but one last remark before falling into his slumber:

“I love you, you know that?”

**Author's Note:**

> the general idea of this i got from another fanfic i read but i can't remember what it was called, so i cant really find it anymore.
> 
> I also want to make something clear: Yes, I imagine Iwaizumi has helped Oikawa through a lot panic and anxiety attacks, but none that involved blood, or any injuries, which is why I wrote him reacting like I did. 
> 
> I am thinking of continuing this, maybe a "once they wake up"/"the following day" kind of, but idk


End file.
